"The Rebirth of Seven Macaw" by Erika Schulz

I had a whole list of topics to write about this week ranging from the esoteric to the mundane, social commentary to personal triumph, but all I can think to write about at this moment is the small stuff, which is actually big stuff, that I’ve experienced and witnessed as of late.

That, as you may know, is why I started this blog. It was/is an exercise in perception and attention, in noticing what usually goes unappreciated, undocumented in my world.

Anyway … this was an outstanding week. What follows are the highlights or whatever.

The Big Picture:

Sunshine says excuse me and pushes fog out of the way. Fog politely moves aside – San Francisco is happier for it. Writer lies on couch and watches the big puffy clouds float across the sky through big bay windows of a place she calls home. Home. Nice to say.

Juicy daydreams (no, not that kind of juicy). Ideas come and go for novel, for grad school essay, for article pitches, for blog. Writer jots ideas down in a small brown notebook – to be revisited in a timely manner. The possibilities seem infinite.

The Deets:

1. The Infant – Made a new friend named Siena. She is three weeks old, and am fairly certain she wishes she were still on the inside of her mom. Still, she is holding her own and learning to adjust. Her instinct and resilience are amazing to watch. I don’t know many infants. Actually, she’s the first.
2. The Editor – Came across story of an inspiring group of men at San Quentin State Prison. Pitched editor at Bay Guardian – was very enthusiastic. Moving forward with article.
3. The Meeting – Got clarity about next professional steps after meeting with the program coordinator at a shelter for victims of domestic violence. Got so excited when talking about the project (I’m going to facilitate a creative writing workshop for a group of kids there) that what little doubt I had about grad school is gone. I am certain I want to pursue the study and practice of expressive arts in healing (ie expressive arts therapy).
4. The Turtles and the Dog – Had a staring match with a family of turtles at a park not too far from my apartment. They were hanging at a pond that River likes to swim in. We all kicked it together – in peace.
5. The Starlet – Watched my friend and fellow writer, Liz Latty, take to the stage and shine brightly. Her writing was raw and brilliant.
6. The Right of Passage – Helped celebrate my friend Ariel’s 30^th birthday, met some cool people, ate some food, listened to laughter.
7. The Tribe – Continue to watch friends grow and evolve, live dreams, navigate adulthood — so proud of them and so inspired.
8. The Journey – After six years, have planned a trip back to New York where I will meet new family members, see old friends, do some research for said novel, and hopefully do a little shopping.
9. The First Boyfriend – One day after making my profile searchable on Facebook, received email from first real boyfriend. Just saying hi. Wrote back, thanking him for being a great first boyfriend and setting the bar so high.
10. The Ghosts – Faced some ghosts. Outcome TBD. Stay tuned for next blog post.

What are your small, tiny and mini marvels? (No big ones, please. I’ve got a theme going here.)

Tell us.

Leave a comment below (where it says ‘no comment’).

For real.

These days in particular, I’m spending a good amount of time playing what my dad has always called the what-if game. It’s this fun little thing I do when my neurosis gets the best of me – I sit around and create negative stories about things that could happen or could never happen.

This game is in TOTAL opposition to my dedication to thinking positively. And it’s also a TOTAL waste of time. So as of right now, I am swearing off the what-if game … at least for the rest of today. And hopefully tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I’m not surprised this old habit of mine is rearing its ugly head now.  The word of the day is transition.  The other word is unemployment. So there are a lot of what ifs lurking about. A lot of question marks.

This Friday, I’ll end a nine-month stint as a contractor for an organization I have grown to love and had hoped to stay at. And more than that, I’ll be a leaving a community of co-workers I have grown to love, one that is comprised of some of my now closest friends in San Francisco.

I should also mention I don’t know where my next  paycheck is coming from.

Meanwhile, I’m job hunting, planning for the short-term, medium-term and long-term, and having nightly dreams about driving vehicles that aren’t equipped with working brakes. Apparently my subconscious has moved on from brakeless orange bicycles (see post no. 1 in this blog) and has now taken to driving fancy cars like Audis and Saabs. They ALL lack working brakes. The upside is that every time I wake up I find I have come out of the danger unscathed. Sometimes I even coast in my given vehicle until I can find a safe place to crash the car, and then the dent is always minor and I am always fine.

Still, I’d be lying if I said this transition is a comfortable place to be – in real life or in my dreams.

Interestingly enough, though, I’m not alone in this process.  Most of the people in my life are also going through some type of rapid change and  uncertainty. It has occurred to me that maybe this type of transition is always happening and I just don’t take notice often enough. Right now, for example, some of my friends have been laid off and are job hunting just like me, one is considering marriage, some are breaking up, another just sold her second novel – which, by the way, is pretty bad-ass. Others are weighing the pros and cons of grad school, and another of my friends is about to go into labor – like any minute – also a bad-ass move.

And if I take another step back, a big step,  it seems like it’s not just the people I know; it’s our whole country that is steeped in chaos and transition. Read the headlines, you can’t miss it. After eight years of building faulty infrastructure based on arrogance and greed, a collective shift is taking place. And maybe the current chaos is helping to clear out the old and make way for something new and strong and healthy. And maybe it’s true that the only way for real change to happen, the kind that means growth and evolution and all that, is for a certain amount of chaos to take hold. I’m not sure.

But for now, anyway, my next bold move consists of sitting tight and watching the chaos – both personal and collective – without getting caught in the undertow of what-ifs. I’m doing my best to learn from it, to keep my balance.  I don’t know where I’ll end up when this transition is complete, not that I ever do when I’m in transition, but accepting the uncertainty makes the process more palatable, and maybe even a little more exciting.

After all, where there’s nothing, there’s always the possibility of something.

Just about a week ago I made a decision to be glass-half-full. Mind you, this is not my natural state of being,  but I had been toying with the idea for some months – practicing some days, forgetting others.

There are a whole slew of new-agey, pseudo-spiritual, spiritual and psychological reasons to give this exercise a try, but at the end of the day I guess I’ve just been thinking it makes good sense. When I focus on how much I pay in taxes, I feel tired. When I focus on going back to graduate school, I feel fueled. When I focus on the shootings in my neighborhood, I feel sad. When I focus on the outreach efforts to the kids who are pulling the triggers, I feel inspired. And so it goes.

Anyway, just a few short days after starting my whole positive thinking practice, my boss sat me down to tell me what a good job I had been doing at work. It was nice to hear. I had been freelancing for just under a year and I had become really invested in my work and my community of co-workers. In fact, many of them had become close friends.

But there was bad news,  I could see it in her face.

Yes, indeed – the job she thought she could offer me was a no-go.  Budget etc. I would have to find a new job within 30 days or I would be unemployed. As in, without an income.

(In May 2009, the unemployment rate was just under TEN PERCENT.)

“That really sucks,” I said. I was feeling kind of numb. The economy, after all, is bananas.

“Yes,” she said. “It really does. I’m sorry.”

I took the afternoon for myself. My boss said it was understandable given the circumstances. I packed up my stuff for the day, started my walk to the train, and reached for my phone.  I let a few tears slide and then I met my friend Swash for lunch. We went to a place called Cafe Gratitude – so San Francisco – where I ordered a smoothie called “I am Grace.” When I ordered it I actually had to say: “I am Grace.”

And the waiter said, “Yes, you are.”

Whatever.

I  looked to my friend for reassurance.

“Something’s going to happen, right?”

“Something’s definitely going to happen,” she said.

So far, just about a week later, nothing has happened but all this:

1. The night I got my big news about the lay off, I had a dream I was riding an orange bicycle. Approaching an intersection, I went to hit the brakes but they didn’t work. I went cascading through oncoming traffic, horns blaring, my heart racing. I made it through to the other side unscathed. (The unconscious mind is so much wiser than the waking mind.)

2. I have called on my friends and family for support and good vibes, and I have received a bunch of both.

3. I am co-planning my going away party at work. It’s going to be a blast.

4. I had a job interview and I rocked it.

5. I am totally confident that the universe has my back.

Stay tuned ….