These days in particular, I’m spending a good amount of time playing what my dad has always called the what-if game. It’s this fun little thing I do when my neurosis gets the best of me – I sit around and create negative stories about things that could happen or could never happen.

This game is in TOTAL opposition to my dedication to thinking positively. And it’s also a TOTAL waste of time. So as of right now, I am swearing off the what-if game … at least for the rest of today. And hopefully tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I’m not surprised this old habit of mine is rearing its ugly head now.  The word of the day is transition.  The other word is unemployment. So there are a lot of what ifs lurking about. A lot of question marks.

This Friday, I’ll end a nine-month stint as a contractor for an organization I have grown to love and had hoped to stay at. And more than that, I’ll be a leaving a community of co-workers I have grown to love, one that is comprised of some of my now closest friends in San Francisco.

I should also mention I don’t know where my next  paycheck is coming from.

Meanwhile, I’m job hunting, planning for the short-term, medium-term and long-term, and having nightly dreams about driving vehicles that aren’t equipped with working brakes. Apparently my subconscious has moved on from brakeless orange bicycles (see post no. 1 in this blog) and has now taken to driving fancy cars like Audis and Saabs. They ALL lack working brakes. The upside is that every time I wake up I find I have come out of the danger unscathed. Sometimes I even coast in my given vehicle until I can find a safe place to crash the car, and then the dent is always minor and I am always fine.

Still, I’d be lying if I said this transition is a comfortable place to be – in real life or in my dreams.

Interestingly enough, though, I’m not alone in this process.  Most of the people in my life are also going through some type of rapid change and  uncertainty. It has occurred to me that maybe this type of transition is always happening and I just don’t take notice often enough. Right now, for example, some of my friends have been laid off and are job hunting just like me, one is considering marriage, some are breaking up, another just sold her second novel – which, by the way, is pretty bad-ass. Others are weighing the pros and cons of grad school, and another of my friends is about to go into labor – like any minute – also a bad-ass move.

And if I take another step back, a big step,  it seems like it’s not just the people I know; it’s our whole country that is steeped in chaos and transition. Read the headlines, you can’t miss it. After eight years of building faulty infrastructure based on arrogance and greed, a collective shift is taking place. And maybe the current chaos is helping to clear out the old and make way for something new and strong and healthy. And maybe it’s true that the only way for real change to happen, the kind that means growth and evolution and all that, is for a certain amount of chaos to take hold. I’m not sure.

But for now, anyway, my next bold move consists of sitting tight and watching the chaos – both personal and collective – without getting caught in the undertow of what-ifs. I’m doing my best to learn from it, to keep my balance.  I don’t know where I’ll end up when this transition is complete, not that I ever do when I’m in transition, but accepting the uncertainty makes the process more palatable, and maybe even a little more exciting.

After all, where there’s nothing, there’s always the possibility of something.

Just about a week ago I made a decision to be glass-half-full. Mind you, this is not my natural state of being,  but I had been toying with the idea for some months – practicing some days, forgetting others.

There are a whole slew of new-agey, pseudo-spiritual, spiritual and psychological reasons to give this exercise a try, but at the end of the day I guess I’ve just been thinking it makes good sense. When I focus on how much I pay in taxes, I feel tired. When I focus on going back to graduate school, I feel fueled. When I focus on the shootings in my neighborhood, I feel sad. When I focus on the outreach efforts to the kids who are pulling the triggers, I feel inspired. And so it goes.

Anyway, just a few short days after starting my whole positive thinking practice, my boss sat me down to tell me what a good job I had been doing at work. It was nice to hear. I had been freelancing for just under a year and I had become really invested in my work and my community of co-workers. In fact, many of them had become close friends.

But there was bad news,  I could see it in her face.

Yes, indeed – the job she thought she could offer me was a no-go.  Budget etc. I would have to find a new job within 30 days or I would be unemployed. As in, without an income.

(In May 2009, the unemployment rate was just under TEN PERCENT.)

“That really sucks,” I said. I was feeling kind of numb. The economy, after all, is bananas.

“Yes,” she said. “It really does. I’m sorry.”

I took the afternoon for myself. My boss said it was understandable given the circumstances. I packed up my stuff for the day, started my walk to the train, and reached for my phone.  I let a few tears slide and then I met my friend Swash for lunch. We went to a place called Cafe Gratitude – so San Francisco – where I ordered a smoothie called “I am Grace.” When I ordered it I actually had to say: “I am Grace.”

And the waiter said, “Yes, you are.”

Whatever.

I  looked to my friend for reassurance.

“Something’s going to happen, right?”

“Something’s definitely going to happen,” she said.

So far, just about a week later, nothing has happened but all this:

1. The night I got my big news about the lay off, I had a dream I was riding an orange bicycle. Approaching an intersection, I went to hit the brakes but they didn’t work. I went cascading through oncoming traffic, horns blaring, my heart racing. I made it through to the other side unscathed. (The unconscious mind is so much wiser than the waking mind.)

2. I have called on my friends and family for support and good vibes, and I have received a bunch of both.

3. I am co-planning my going away party at work. It’s going to be a blast.

4. I had a job interview and I rocked it.

5. I am totally confident that the universe has my back.

Stay tuned ….